Something I thought I'd never do...

Well, it's happened.

I've started playing video games.

Just one, actually--LEGO Lord of the Rings.  Joshua bought us a PS3 for Christmas (hello, Netflix!) and a couple games, and this was one of them.

Image credit: www.freedigitalphotos.net

I didn't grow up with video games (we had a few on the computer, also LEGO--Chess and Racers), so this has been a new skill for me to learn.  I mean, those buttons on the controllers don't say anything!  They're just arbitrary shapes and symbols!  But I'm getting the hang of it.

And can I tell you--I love it?

I'm having fun with the game itself.  The animation is great, there's funny bits that the game-makers added to the story, the music and voices are right out of the movies, and it's exciting.

But the best part is hanging out with my husband, laughing together, encouraging each other, and just being "buddies."

It's not so much the game itself that makes this worth it.  It's the fact that my husband and I are doing something together that we both enjoy.  I finally decided to give one of his favorite hobbies a try--and discovered that I actually like it.

This, I've found, is such an important part of marriage: learning to like things the other spouse likes, and doing those things together.  Being intentional about spending time together.  Cultivating friendship with each other. Because your spouse should be your best friend.  I don't mean your best girl friend, if you're a woman.  I mean the person you'd rather be with than anyone else--the person with whom you have the most fun.

And every marriage should be fun. :)

So tell me--what do you and your spouse do for fun?  Have you learned to enjoy some of their hobbies, or have they tried yours?  What's your best idea for having fun with your spouse?


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Linking with: To Love, Honor and Vacuum, We are THAT Family, Raising Homemakers, Deep Roots at Home 

apparently I'm growing up...

So I discovered proof of something recently: I'm growing up.

How do I know?  Several things:

Joshua and I spent over an hour working on our budget this evening.  It was fun.

My goals for this weekend are: get the kitchen clean, and get the bathroom clean.

I'm looking forward to composing a grocery list and a detailed, two-week meal plan tomorrow.

I'd rather watch The Dick van Dyke show than any TV show made in the last 40 years.

A clean kitchen is a joy to my heart.

I would rather sleep than do a lot of other things.  (Although I realize this is also true for infants and the elderly, so maybe this isn't so much a sign of growing up as it is of simply being human.)

My bedtime is 10 pm.  Even on weekends.

On a similar note, sleeping in means sleeping till 9 am at the latest.  Bliss!

Junk food equals homemade pizza and brownies.  (Thank goodness.)

I would rather eat oatmeal with flax seed for breakfast than sugary cold cereal (yuck).


And yet, I'm still a 21-year-old college student.
But I'm also married, so maybe that's an explanation for why I feel so weirdly adult.

I realize, of course, that I still have a lot of growing up to do.  I haven't had much life experience in comparison to my grandparents, or even my parents.  There are so many things left for me to learn and experience.

But let me tell you, for someone whose peers are all still living on a college campus and whose biggest worries are test scores and what mystery food will be served in the cafeteria, it is weird to state all those truths I listed above.  I feel... unusual.  Isolated.  Often misunderstood.

That's why I'm so thankful for the few married, close-to-my-age friends that I do have.  Because they understand, and it's so good to have friends who understand.  Who get me, who can sympathize, and who know how exciting it is to have a grocery budget over $50 a week.  (Not kidding.  That's about what I feed us on, and I am so proud of myself.)

This Thursday, and every day, I am thankful for the life God has given me: the good and the bad, because I learn more from mistakes than I do from successes, and I trust God more in hard times than in easy.  I'm so very thankful for a husband who loves me even when I'm an idiot, for friends who accept me exactly as I am, for family who are always there when I need them.

Because there's one more reason I've realized that I'm growing up:

I have come to learn that the greatest blessings in life are those that can't be assigned a monetary value.  Not things that can be purchased.  Blessings that are tangible, but absolutely priceless: family.  Friends.  Faith.  Forgiveness.

No matter how grown-up I get, I hope to always remember that.

Linking up today (for the first time in so long...so grateful!):
black tag diaries, Jenni Mullinix, lovely little whimsy, kate says stuff, First Day of My Life, Passionate and Creative Homemaking

How I've Been a Hypocrite

My dear readers, I have a confession to make.

I've been quite a hypocrite this summer.

Here I've been writing all these posts about how to be a good, godly wife, what I've been learning about marriage, how to love my husband, the importance of really listening to him...

and I've messed up.  Big-time.

Let me set up the scenario for you:
Joshua and I have started reading The Lord of the Rings together.  He had already read The Fellowship of the Ring, and I read that and half of The Two Towers, but a long time ago.  So we read some chapters together, and I was reading a few on my own, to catch up and because bibliophile me can't really put a book down once I start reading it (and getting into it, which I definitely am with Lord of the Rings!).

Sunday night, my husband asked that I not start reading The Two Towers because he wanted us to read it entirely together.
By Monday morning, that request had slipped my mind, and yesterday I read the first two chapters.
Last night, my husband discovered this and was not happy.

You need to know a couple things about my Joshua:
1) He is an introvert.
2) His primary love-language is quality time.

I did not realize how much reading this book together meant to him.  I thought (forgetting that he asked me not to) that he wouldn't mind if I read a couple chapters.
It means a LOT to him, and he minded quite a bit.

Looong story short, we're all good now, I'm forgiven, I understand where I went wrong, everything is okay.

But I have some work to do.  Because my blunder led me to discover several very important things that I've been blind to all summer.

1) Neither my husband, nor I, have been content with the routine we've gotten into this summer:  Joshua comes home from work, he relaxes with some TV or computer time, I make supper, we eat, we watch a movie or both do things on the computer, we go to bed.
I realized why neither of us has been content with this routine.  Very little of it is about us being together.  Neither of us has liked this...but both of us assumed, wrongly, that the other one was content and/or not interested in doing anything together.  We both messed up on this...but now that we've realized it, we can work to right it.

2) I cannot assume things about my husband; I need to talk to him if I can't figure things out on my own.  (Because we all know what it means to assume...the person who pointed that out to me shall remain nameless.)

3) Sometimes the solution is staring me in the face, and is a lot simpler than I realize.
Togetherness.  That's all my husband wanted.  He doesn't want me to think up elaborate ideas for date nights.  He doesn't need me to write a list of twenty-five things we can do together.  He just wants me.  He wants my attention, my time, and my presence.

4) The things I think my husband wants and needs are not necessarily the things he really does want and need.
I figured that if I kept the house in order, fed him a nice supper, let him do his thing on the computer and TV, watched a movie with him, and had sex before we went to bed, that my husband would be happy.
Eating, rest, alone time and sex are all necessary...but they don't replace actually being together and giving my husband my full attention and self.  It doesn't work if I'm constantly thinking of other things I need to/should be doing, or if I spend the entire evening in the kitchen after he gets home.  He wants ME.  That's it.

5) This problem is fairly easy to fix if I a) get DONE with housework before Joshua gets home each day, b) keep chore-doing to a minimum in the evenings when he is home and c) be intentional and put time together in our schedule.  As soon as this post is written I'm going to write, in ink, on the calendar, "DATE NIGHT" at least every three weeks.  And nothing, absolutely nothing, will mess with those nights.

6) I realized last night how much I really mean to my husband.  That was huge.  It's good to know how much he appreciates the meals I make or that I keep the house in order...but knowing he just wants me??  That made me feel so treasured and loved.  And it made me resolve to make HIM feel the same way, by focusing more on him.

It's horrible when it takes a bad thing to wake me up to more bad things I've been doing...but the result of all this is that I think things in our marriage are really going to change for the better.  I can't believe how blind and stupid I've been all summer....but THANK GOD for the forgiveness which he has given me and which he has enabled my husband to give me.

Once again, it's Romans 8:28 in action.  God uses ALL things, even our silly, selfish sins, to work for our good.  I'm praying that he will enable me to be a much more selfless, loving, and attentive wife, and that our marriage will continue to grow, mature, and become more joy-filled every day.

And I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite!


Linking up today...
Cornerstone Confessions; Far Above Rubies; Growing Home; Thankful Homemaker; Time-Warp Wife; Lessons from Ivy

Not a happy camper (but a work in progress)

My husband and I spent part of this weekend at his parents' house.  We hadn't spent the night there yet this summer, and since school starts a week from today (yikes!!), we wanted to get a visit in.  We also hadn't broken in our new tent (from my grandparents at Christmas) and other camping gear (from my parents this summer), so we brought the tent, sleeping bags, and air mattress and set up in the back yard.

All was fine till we went to bed.  I was comfortable on the air mattress (once I added more air, because it was rather flat at first), but Joshua was not.  So we deflated the air mattress.  Joshua was comfortable, I was not; the ground was hard, dry, and bumpy--the result of a summer-long drought.  I was not a happy camper.  Literally.  So we eventually hauled the blankets, pillows and sleeping bags inside and camped out on the basement floor instead.  Where the ground was hard, but we had plenty of padding, and it was smooth.  And level.  And we slept fine and woke up happy with each other once again.

But I did not handle the discomfort well.  I did not listen to my husband well.  I complained.  And argued.  And acted like a whiny little kid.

This is not the best side of me.

By now, of course, all is forgiven, but that wasn't an isolated occasion.  So far all three of the times we've slept out in a tent together, Joshua has had to deal with me being unhappy and uncomfortable at some point. (He has graciously agreed to give me yet another chance!  I'll get there yet.)  And I act like that in other situations, too.

This morning, this passage from Philippians came to my mind:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." Philippians 2:14-16b

Everything.  Without complaining.  Or arguing.

Oops.

I goofed...once again.  Thank God (and my husband) for forgiveness.  But did you see?  That's not all law in that passage.  I realize it sounds like IF we don't complain or argue, THEN we will become blameless, pure children of God.  But that doesn't happen all by our own power!

We're children of God because God chose us in our baptisms.  However, refraining from complaining and arguing is part of what happens as a result of being his child.  Obviously we won't ever be completely perfect, but we can, by God's grace, live a life completely devoted to serving and obeying him.  We won't do it perfectly, but Jesus' sacrifice on the cross covers us, taking away all our sin, so that we can "shine like stars in the universe."  Then, as we live lives that honor and glorify God, we can "hold out the word of life," the Gospel, in witness of God's grace.

Those are a lot of good reasons for me to work on this problem of complaining and arguing.

Yet another good reason is that when I complain and argue, I'm not being obedient to or respectful of my husband.  Proverbs 21:9 has this zinger: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house [or a tent, in this case] with a quarrelsome wife."  Just ten verses later, verse 19: "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."  Ouch.  My poor husband would, at times, be better off either on the corner of the roof or in a desert, than living with me, the way I act sometimes.

God, in his mercy and grace, enables me to live most of the time in a way that pleases and honors him: loving, kind, respectful, obedient to my husband, and pleasant to live with.  The Jaimie-in-a-tent is a side of me that needs some work.  But then, I am a constant work in progress...and neither God nor my husband is going to give up on me.


Linking up to these lovely ladies, with thanks:
The Alabaster Jar; What Joy is Mine; lowercase letters; The Better Mom; Raising Arrows

Knowing My Husband

In the midst of a discussion with my husband the other day, he said something that has stuck with me:

"I want you to know my heart on this."

I realized that I had been trying to figure out what he was thinking, when I didn't need to know what was in his head, but in his heart.

Many of our choices, decisions, actions, and reactions are based on our strong beliefs or feelings, things that are a part of who we are.
Those beliefs and feelings aren't always obvious to those around us.
It became painfully evident to me that my husband's feelings, and the reasons for them, weren't as obvious to me as they should have been.

There I was, thinking that my husband was saying or doing things with negative intentions toward me.  That wasn't true at all.  I just didn't understand how he was feeling, which was based in opinions, habits and ideas that are a deep-rooted part of him.
When we both were intentional about knowing each other's hearts, then we were able to work through the difficulty because we could really see the other person's perspective.

I realized that I haven't been as intentional about really knowing my husband as I could be.

In the New King James Version, Genesis 4:1 is translated "Now Adam knew Eve his wife..."  In the New International Version, the same verse is translated as "Adam lay with his wife Eve..."  I like the NKJV better.  The sexual relationship between Adam and Eve was so much more than "laying" together.  They "knew" each other, in the most intimate possible way.  I want a spiritual "knowing" of my husband, to know who he is in the most hidden parts of his heart and mind.

This is a good goal to have...but it is only truly accomplished by one person.

This is how God knows us.  God, who has known us since before we were born...

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:15-16

In Psalm 44:21 and Acts 15:8, we learn that God knows the hearts of all people--even the inner secrets of their hearts.  The writer of Psalm 139 ended that psalm by asking God to search his heart:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

God knows our hearts.  He knows our minds and thoughts.  He knows our inner feelings, more intimately and completely than even we know ourselves.

In time I will know my husband's heart more and become better at understanding it.  We are both fallible, sinful human beings, and our marriage will always be a work in progress, but with God's help and by his grace we'll improve all the time.

In the meantime, I will ask God to help me know my husband's heart, and for him to know mine, in imitation of the way that God knows ours.


Linking up today...
New Life Steward; The Fontenot Four; To Love, Honor and Vacuum; A Wise Woman Builds Her Home; Deep Roots at Home; Women Living Well

Why am I in college?

I've been thinking about writing this for some time, and I decided to do so in the hope that sharing my experiences might be encouraging to someone else.

I never really thought about not going to college.  I suppose that could be partly my parents' "fault," but I'm positive that if I had expressed a desire to not go to college, they would have fully supported me.  As it was, I didn't think about anything else.  I think that made it fairly clear that God wanted me to continue my formal education after high school.

I was in Indonesia my last semester of high school, so a lot of my final college plans took place via emails.  I originally planned to go to the university that I'm at now, but there's one in the same system that's about forty-five minutes from my hometown.  They were offering me more financial aid than this one in the beginning, and they had a major that I figured would work for me.  It wasn't exactly what I had been planning on, but it would do.  I decided I could at least go there for a couple of years.

However, in June of 2009 things changed.  The school I'm at now offered me more financial aid, which made the cost of the two schools equal.  With less than two months till the first day of school, I had to make a decision again.  I decided on my birthday, July 3, to come to this school.  Several things solidified that decision.  The director of the school's major choir called me from choir tour in Spain to see if I'd made my final decision.  A couple days later the president of the university emailed me to say he was very glad I had decided to attend.  (Granted, this is a school of about 1200 students.  It was still impressive.)  Finally, and most importantly, I felt a great peace about the decision.

I came here with plans to become a Director of Christian Education, a DCE.  My mom went to school to be one.  So did her brother, and my dad's dad.  (A DCE, by the way, usually works with a church's pastor to teach Bible studies, youth groups, Sunday school, confirmation classes, adult Bible studies, and other things within a congregation and sometimes in parochial schools.)  I had been interested in that ministry for a while, and felt that it was the most practical choice for me.

However, that all changed fairly quickly when I started dating Joshua, two weeks into the school year, and especially when we got engaged six months later.  He is planning on being a Lutheran high school teacher.  A DCE does much of their work in the evenings and weekends.  A teacher works during the day Monday through Friday.  We realized that, were we to both continue in the career paths we'd chosen, we would hardly see each other once we began working.

Neither one of us liked the sound of that.

So--after much thought, prayer, and conversation, I decided to not be in the DCE program.  It was not an easy decision, but I felt very much at peace once I'd made it.  I'm now double-majoring in English and Theology.  At a school where most people are either in education or pre-seminary programs if they're not athletes or scientists (and a lot of people are education and athletes or scientists), I get some funny looks.  Especially from older people.  "What, you're not education?  So what kind of career are you going to get with that major?"

Well, honestly, I plan on being a professional writer.  That's one of the main purposes for this blog: practice writing, and a way to get my name "out there" so when I do write a book there will (Lord willing!) be people who know and like how I write and want to actually read a book I've written.  (When that happens, I will let you know.)  I believe that God has gifted me with the ability to write, and I want to use it to honor and glorify him as well as I can.  I'd really like to write devotionals, Bible studies, and Christian fiction.  We'll see how that goes.

But the fact is, since I was very young I have wanted to be a wife, mother, author, teacher, and librarian.  Wife--check.  Author--working on it.  Librarian--sort of.  I help at the circulation desk at the campus library. :)  Mother--someday.  Teacher--of our future children.  None of those things requires a college education.

My mom was in college for seven years.  She worked professionally as a DCE for TWO.  She's been an at-home, homeschooling mom ever since--but she also teaches Sunday school, leads a moms' Bible study that meets every week (and has for years), is part of the marriage ministry team at their church along with my dad, sings in the church choir, and does a lot more, all volunteering--but all using the things she learned in college and in her life since then.

That's what I want to do.  (But not the seven years of college.  No thanks.)

I want to be my husband's ministry partner.  I want to implement the principles of Titus chapter 2, helping to teach, train, and encourage younger women as I get older and have more life experience.  I want to learn from women who are older and wiser than I.  I want to teach our future children about God and how much he loves them, and how they can love him.  I want to share the good news of Jesus with everyone in my life.

So...why am I in college?
Because God wanted me here.
After all, this is where I met my husband.  That's priceless.
Because, as my dad says, no education is ever wasted, no matter how much it costs.
And because God has work for me.  He has plans to teach and bless and shape me.  He has plans that I don't know a thing about...but he does.  And this is where he wants me to be at this point in my life.

Loved By God, Just the Way I Am

I've come to a place where I can accept, and like, the person I am.  I'm not exactly satisfied with that person, but maybe I'm not supposed to be.  There's always learning, growing, becoming to do.  God still has a lot to teach me, so "who I am" will never be completely finished.  I'm not a static being.  I don't like the word "evolving" (for the evolutionary connotations) but that's a fairly apt description for how I'm changing.

Part of the reason that we're not supposed to be quite comfortable in the skin we're in is that there's something more coming, something better--a glorified body.  One that's sinless.  Flawless.  Perfect.

That's a weird concept...to think of myself as perfect.  Because I am so not.  I beat myself up a lot--figuratively, of course--about my imperfections.  The list is long: selfishness, thoughtlessness, faithlessness, worry, discontent. I could go on.  But I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to stay sinful, and there's no use fretting about it.

That is NOT to say I shouldn't try not to sin!  There are a lot of bad habits I could and should work on breaking.  There are so many things I have yet to learn.

But God won't love me any more, if and when I try to become a better person, than he does right now.  He can, will, and does use even my worst faults for his own purposes.  He gives me jobs to do for his kingdom. He loves me unconditionally, and forgives me constantly.  I'm beautiful and holy in his eyes--so who am I to put myself (or others) down?  We're all worth more than that.  We're priceless: creations of the God of the universe.

That's another huge concept to try to wrap my mind around, but when it comes down to it, that is what is most humbling and most encouraging to me.
The GOD
of the universe
loves/made/forgives/redeemed
      ME.

Sounds insane. It should be.  But it's true.  And that's what gives me hope, purpose, joy, life!  Being a child of God is the greatest blessing in life.  I'm more thankful for this than anything else.

Compared to him, my flaws are pretty minor.  They're not to big for him to handle.  They do't get in the way of his love for me.  And-
Nothing.
Ever.
Will.

What's Better Than "Happily Ever After"?

The story is a familiar one:
Boy meets girl.
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
Boy asks girl out.
Boy and girl hold hands during movie.
Boy and girl decide to date.
Boy calls girl's dad for permission.
(Girl very impressed.)
Boy and girl decide to get married.
Girl's parents decide on wedding date.
Boy and girl get officially engaged.
Boy and girl get married.

It could be Nancy Meyers' latest romantic comedy.
It is, in fact, a true story--our story, Joshua's and mine.  (Yes, my dad decided on the wedding date...we weren't thrilled with the fifteen-month wait.  But it all worked out in the end.)

I love romantic movies with story lines like this, especially funny ones.  We watched What Women Want last night and although I wouldn't watch it with my thirteen-year-old sister, it was great fun for just the two of us.  And of course, I love happy endings, whether they involve the prince and princess getting married after major trouble getting together, the clueless guy finally understanding how to love the girl who's crazy about him, the husband and wife who work through a rough spot in their marriage...whatever.  All these stories have one thing in common: they leave the audience or reader with the belief that the characters "lived happily ever after."

But do they really?
Take Cinderella and Prince Charming, for example.  They rode away in the carriage kissing.  But what about life after the honeymoon?  How did Cinderella adjust to being royalty?  What kind of mother did she become, considering her rather poor role model in that regard?  How was she accepted by the prince's family?  And what kind of love is based on one solitary dance between strangers?

Or consider Snow White.  She doesn't even meet her prince till nearly the end of the story.  And we're left with no knowledge as to what happened after that.  Did they get married at all?  What happened to the dwarfs without Snow White to take care of them?

And, considering how dysfunctional a lot of characters in popular romantic comedies seem to be, how do their relationships last after the credits roll?

Okay, I know perfectly well that these are all stories.  Fiction.  Not true.  But these are the stories that are read to children at bedtime, watched by couples of all kinds on dates, wept over by girls at sleepovers.  These stories pervade our culture, and they're popular for good reason: they portray life the way many of us wish life could be.

What a lot of people seem to forget that in real-life relationships, it almost never works out the way relationships do on-screen.  Sure, Joshua and I have tons of fun together.  We laugh.  We enjoy each other's company.  We can be sweet, funny, romantic, and sexy.

But not all the time!  The reality of relationships is that life can be good, and very good, but expecting the "happily ever after" will only lead to disappointment.

I think that life as it is, is better than any fairy tale.  No, we're not perfect.  We argue sometimes.  We're lazy sometimes.  We're not always very interesting people to be around.  We certainly aren't very funny most of the time.  But this is real.  This relationship is for a lifetime.  I know my husband is going to stick with me in my best and my worst times, and I'm going to do the same for him.

And if you ask me, a lifelong marriage, with its highs and lows, is better than any "happily ever after" a fairy tale could end with.

Those times I just need to cry.

I am female.
I am emotional.
Sometimes, I am very hormonal.
Often I am stressed.
Sometimes I am worried.
Rarely I am angry.
Regularly I am happy.
Sometimes I am tired.
Other times, I have no explanation for how I am feeling, but in all these times...
I cry.

Call me crybaby, call me a wimp, call me a little girl who hasn't grown up yet, but I have discovered the universal, all-purpose expression of emotion and a never-fail stress reliever: tears.
I have heard that some chemical is released in tears that relieves stress in a cool biological way.  God's awesome like that.  But whatever it is, when I cry, I feel better.

Today was one of those stressed-humbled-relieved-frustrated-tired-confused-thankful sort of days when I cried three separate times.
(and no, it is not that time of the month)

Do I feel better?  You bet.  Have I heard God's message loud and clear ("TRUST ME.")?  Yes.  Have I felt the squeeze of my husband's hand and his reassuring words, "It will be okay"?  More than once.

Am I going to bed NOW so the tiredness isn't a factor?
As soon as I click "Publish Post."

And have I gained fresh perspective on life today, that despite what seem to be life-interrupting frustrations (but really aren't that bad), I have so much to be thankful for and am so well-off compared to millions of other people?
Yes, thanks to Pastors Matthias and Bruick, and most especially thanks to my heavenly Father who understands when I need to cry.

Lately I've Been Learning...

I've been learning lately that the ways I sometimes choose to love my husband aren't always the ways he needs to be loved.  He feels loved when I love him in the way he needs to be, not the way I think he needs to be.

I've been learning lately that communication doesn't just mean talking.  That's true for all of my relationships, not just marriage.

I've been learning lately that as frustrating my life seems sometimes, I have SO much to be thankful for.  A lot of people out there have much less than I do.

I've been learning lately how gracious and loving God is, and how much of a sense of humor he has, even when disciplining me.  (In church yesterday I was being judgmental of how the reader was reading, whispering to Joshua how I could read it better, and then they read the words "Always consider others better than yourselves."  Zinger.)

I've been learning lately that I am much more relaxed when I have a clean house.  A few minutes of cleaning equals a happier me.  (So why is it so hard to get off my duff and do it??)

I've been learning lately that I really enjoy working out.  I like how it makes me feel.  Who knew?


Constantly I'm learning how to trust God...learning that he loves me unconditionally, just as I am...how to love my husband better...that he loves me for the person I am and not the one I want to become.  And at the same time, both of them encourage me to grow.

Humility and Perspective

So it was one of those mornings today.  Where it seems like one thing after another goes wrong.  To make it even more frustrating, most of the difficulties resulted from my own lack of responsibility.  (I didn't order new contacts in time, so after having lost one I'm stuck with wearing just one until I can get more.  I don't feel like I did very well on a test because I didn't study as much as I should have.  And so on.)

It was very humbling to realize that the frustrations of today were basically all my own fault.  There's no one else to blame.

It was also humbling, while I was alternately feeling sorry for myself and mentally kicking myself, to remember that compared to a lot of people, my troubles are really not very troubling.  A lot of people would be thankful for even one contact lens to help them see better.  (Kind of a corny example, but oh well.)  Even more people would be thankful for the opportunity to get any kind of education, and here I am at an excellent university.

Millions of people won't be going home tonight in a car that works, to a nice home with electricity and water and heat, to eat supper out of a fridge and cupboards full of food.

When I think of how much I have, it's a lot harder to feel sorry for myself about the things I don't have.  (Especially when it's my own fault I don't have them!)

Also, a missing contact and a low grade on a test are not the end of the world, not by a long shot.  I was quite cheered up by two lovely friends after class, and I will be very grateful to be able to see clearly out of both eyes when I get more contacts.  Never taking them for granted again, I hope!

Meanwhile, it's the weekend, the weather is gorgeous, I have an amazing husband with whom I get to hang out this weekend, and I have a God who teaches, reprimands, loves and forgives me.

What more do I need? :)

The blessed pain of discipline

I started working out on Friday, for real.  I mean the weight-lifting, elliptical-jogging, crunch-doing working out.  My lovely and athletic friend Ruth offered to give me some pointers and be my workout buddy.  She really knows what she's doing and I'm very thankful for her guidance and instruction!!

I'm one of those people with a slim but very not-athletic build; I've always been more sedentary.  I like walking but this kind of working out is very new for me.  As a result, I'm using muscles that don't often get used, and I'm feeling it!  Saturday morning my abs hardly wanted to work, and I've been walking painfully the last couple days after a lower-body workout on Monday.

I knew this would happen; since I haven't been very active before I knew that any amount of real exercise would hurt at first.  I also know that in a couple weeks I'll be more used to it and a lot less sore.

I keep reminding myself that this pain is a good thing.  It means I'm working my body, making it stronger and healthier, and Ruth said today that my abs already look more toned.  I have to keep pushing myself, but the results in the long run will be totally worth some sore muscles now.

Discipline was like that when I was little.  Now I'm disciplining myself to work out, but a decade ago it was my parents instructing me to do and not do certain things, and there was punishment when I didn't obey.  It hurt and it was inconvenient: spankings, time-outs, groundings, depending on my age and the severity of the disobedience.  But I learned what I needed to and I was a better person as a result.  (Yep, Mom and Dad, it worked...you can say "I told you so" now. :) )

Funnily enough, God puts discipline to work the same way.  Have you ever noticed that the root word of discipline is disciple?  As in, a person who follows someone else to learn from them and behave like them?  What a concept!  When God disciplines us, he is treating us as his disciples: helping us to learn from him and behave more like him.  God disciplines us because he loves us.  No, God does not cause "bad" things to happen to us.  He allows us to go through difficulties and trials because he always uses them for our good and his glory.  I have learned so much about trust by living on not a lot of money.  I have learned patience through illness.  I have learned to rely on God for comfort and help when I'm scared and sad.  I have learned to give control over to God when it seems like my life is out of my hands.

Discipline hurts, certainly.  No one likes the pain and frustration and discomfort of trials and difficulties.  But it's a good pain, one that God uses to bless us richly!!

I'm thankful for my aching muscles that are growing and strengthening.  I'm thankful that God loves me so much to use the good and the bad times in my life to help me become more like him, and grow closer to him in faith.

Life isn't perfect, but it sure is good. (Also, my hubby is a good baker!)

So my husband has been wonderfully "domestic" lately.  I put that in quotes because he's not really domestic, he's just been doing some domestic activities.  Mostly baking and doing some of the dishes that I never seem to find time to do.  But seriously, in the last four days he has made:
bread
no-bake cookies (his specialty :) )
homemade chocolate chip cookies.
They all turned out fabulously.  Last week I had him make no-knead whole-wheat bread.  It was in the More-With-Less cookbook, and I figured, hey, no-knead!  Easy, right?  Have the hubby make it.  The bread turned out tasty, but very, very dense.  Read: cutting it gave me writer's cramp.  Or I guess bread-cutter's-cramp.  Anyway, this week I had him do white bread instead, which turned out really good.  And the cookies were all fantastic.
But tonight we made banana bread.  It was fun, working together.  But then we were watching Smallville, and I left the bread cooling in the pans too long.
It fell apart as I tried to ease it out of the pans.  :(
I nearly cried.  Especially because I was going to give a loaf away, but it's not very pretty anymore.  It does smell good, however, and I know it will taste great!  (I haven't had any yet because I just had two fabulous chocolate chip cookies and a mug of vanilla tea!)

That's how life goes.  It's never perfect.  It might look really, really messy sometimes.  And often I goof up so much I just want to cry.  But that's ok, because I'm human.  I'll never be perfect, no matter how much I try or how good my intentions are.  Things will definitely not always go the way I want them to.

I know, though, that life is and will always be good.  I will always have more blessings than I can count.  I will always live forgiven and loved by God.  And sometimes, life will even be great. :)

What I've Learned in a Month of Marriage

Three things that are essential for a happy marriage are:

~Selflessness.  It's amazing how much happiness I gain by making my husband happy.  Looking for ways to serve him and give him joy bring me joy as well.
~Forgiveness.  We all mess up: a LOT.  Daily.  All the time.  Without being able to forgive one another as God has forgiven us, I don't know how life would go on.
~A sense of humor.  Life happens!  Strange, weird, unexpected things happen.  We're silly.  We goof off.  Being able to laugh together is so important and it makes life so much more fun.


I've also learned that:
I can handle having dirty dishes in the sink for a while if it means more time to spend with my hubby.
I REALLY like Smallville.  And I can actually watch superhero movies and not get bored.
Puddles on the bathroom floor after a shower are to be expected.  Hey, it gets the floor clean.
The sheets don't stay tucked in.  That's ok.
It is possible to get up at 6 am, go to bed at 10 pm, and NOT take a nap.
I DO NOT like having a messy house.  But, I often put off cleaning.  Go figure.
I like having a big strong man in the house to move heavy things, take the trash down, plunge the toilet because I guess I don't know how, etc.
It's fun to cook for somebody who really appreciates my cooking!
I have somebody besides me to look nice for.
I don't like sleeping alone anymore.  Sharing a bed is the BEST.
I am loving someone more than I thought it was possible to love.
I am loved by someone more than I thought it was possible to be loved.
I love making my husband laugh.

I'm sure there's more...that's good for now.  :)

Living Intentionally

I've been thinking about something, and I'm just going to type and see what happens.

I know that God places at times and places in our lives for a reason, or at the very least, he works in our lives to accomplish his purposes even if/when things we do are contrary to his will for us.

I don't have a (paying) job yet--I've been keeping busy at home, and I have plenty of things to do to fill my days.  But it's been frustrating, not being able to make money.  I've applied at a couple places, and I know I need to apply elsewhere as well.

But it's been making me wonder, am I using my time well, even though I don't have a job?  Am I using my time to serve others and by doing so serve the Lord?  Am I using extra free time to be in fellowship with him?  Am I living my life intentionally, for a purpose, or am I just 'winging it' and kind of flying by the seat of my pants?

It feels like that sometimes, although the days are settling into a routine of sorts.  I cook.  I clean.  I go shopping for groceries.  I do laundry every week.  I keep the house in order.  But that list looks so pathetic when I actually see it written out.

We had friends over last night.  We're having some young people from our church here tonight, going to a movie and having them here for games and cookies, one other thing I need to do this afternoon (bake).
I try to have the house in order and myself looking nice when my husband comes home from work.
I don't have many friends in town right now, but I'm trying to keep in touch with the ones that are.  We see hubby's family at least once every couple weeks.

So, I'm trying, to have a purpose in life right now, and to glorify God in what I'm doing.  My vocation at this moment is to be a wife and homemaker, and although that might seem like a short list of responsibilities, I'm trying to do my very best at them to be a blessing to my husband first and foremost, and everyone else we come in contact with as well.

I feel like I'm defending myself...to myself.  Which I shouldn't have to.  Maybe I'm just trying to figure out what it is I'm doing and why.  But I know that even the in simplest things that I do to serve others, I'm serving God.  By loving my husband I'm loving our God who made him and who gave us to each other.  Feeding friends is like having Christ at my table.  What a blessing, what an honor it is, to serve God in these vocations he's given me!!!  Thank you Jesus :)

Great Sin, Greater Savior

In my writing class this morning we were given a few minutes to write a "creative non-fiction" essay with a religion prompt.  One of the suggestions was that I "Think of a time in your life when your faith reached a turning point...when life experiences brought an abstract concept such as sin, forgiveness, grace or hope of eternal life into focus."

This is what I wrote:

I've always, at least as far back as I can remember, been aware of God and his love for and forgiveness of me.  I know that at the age of five I wasn't afraid of dying because I knew I'd go to heaven.

But the magnitude of God's love and grace, his mercy and forgiveness, has become more real to me as I've become more aware of the magnitude of my sin.  I think as we get older and lose innocence, we gain capacity for "bigger" sins, not ones any worse than those we committed as children, but sins that have far greater consequences than hitting a little brother or taking a cookie we shouldn't have.  I know that the sins I've committed in the last couple years have created strong feelings of guilt and remorse that I didn't experience as a child.

Becoming more aware of my own sinfulness has also opened my eyes to the wonder of the Gospel.  God created me, and I sin against him.  He sent his Son to die, and thereby take the punishment for my sins on himself, and I still sin!  But the mind-blowing thing is, no matter how much I sin, God still forgives me.  When Jesus died he paid the price for every sin that I've ever committed or will commit.

I don't want to sin; I want to do good and obey God.  But I end up doing what I don't want to do and not doing what I want to do.  Paul talked about this very thing in Romans 7: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing" (Romans 7:18-19).  Paul concludes chapter seven with, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (7:24-25).  Chapter eight begins, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death" (8:1-2).

Despite my sinfulness, I know that God has taken away all my sins and forgives me, completely and daily.  David writes in Psalm 103, "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.  He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.  He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:8-12).  God does not treat us as our sins deserve.  Instead, he is compassionate and gracious, abounding in love, and removing our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

As I have become more aware of just how grievous my sin is, so I have come to realize and become awed by how great God's love is.  His love far surpasses my sin: how great is the love and mercy of God compared to my sin!  How wonderfully does he not reject me.  How amazing his grace is.

I'm Growing Up...

Today, for the first time in a while, I put on an apron and wielded my mother's marble rolling pin and got all floury, making cut-out sugar cookies.  It was a delightful mother-daughter-time, both of us in the kitchen, chatting, laughing, baking, tasting.  Dad and sis helped with frosting the cookies later.

I've been helping with this Christmastime ritual every year for as long as I can remember.  A couple of things about this year made me realize that I'm not a little girl anymore, though.  My mom handed me a ribbon-tied bag with several cookie cutters in it, for me to use next year when I prepare for my first Christmas as a married woman.  Two of the cutters my mom bought for herself, but the rest of them were her grandmother's.  Being given these family heirlooms touched me deeply, and made me realize again that I am becoming a woman.  (Of course, the little-girl left in me came out this afternoon when I played the game Sardines-similar to hide-and-seek- with my sister and our neighbor friends.  :) )

I also don't mind doing dishes as much as I used to.  I have all these homemaking urges that are becoming very hard to resist.  Things like the Pampered Chef items my mom and some relatives got for me make me very excited.

My life is changing, and I'm changing, at an impressively rapid rate.  I'm very ready to become a wife and homemaker.  I can hardly wait to be married to my husband and live in a home of our own.

As we are changing and growing up, it's immensely comforting to realize and remember that God never changes.  He always stays the same.  His love, his forgiveness, his power, his grace, his wonder, they never change.  God is as wonderful as it is possible to get.  He has perfected perfection and he can't get any more perfect!

God is the same now as he was when I was born and he will be the same in fifty years.  For that matter, he is the same now as he was at Creation and he will still be the same at the Last Day.

So, despite all the changing and growing in my life- which are good things, natural and necessary- I can rely on God to stay steadfast and unchanging, loving and blessing me no matter what happens in my life.

Today, I am going to rely on the comfort of knowing that God will never change.