How I've Been a Hypocrite

My dear readers, I have a confession to make.

I've been quite a hypocrite this summer.

Here I've been writing all these posts about how to be a good, godly wife, what I've been learning about marriage, how to love my husband, the importance of really listening to him...

and I've messed up.  Big-time.

Let me set up the scenario for you:
Joshua and I have started reading The Lord of the Rings together.  He had already read The Fellowship of the Ring, and I read that and half of The Two Towers, but a long time ago.  So we read some chapters together, and I was reading a few on my own, to catch up and because bibliophile me can't really put a book down once I start reading it (and getting into it, which I definitely am with Lord of the Rings!).

Sunday night, my husband asked that I not start reading The Two Towers because he wanted us to read it entirely together.
By Monday morning, that request had slipped my mind, and yesterday I read the first two chapters.
Last night, my husband discovered this and was not happy.

You need to know a couple things about my Joshua:
1) He is an introvert.
2) His primary love-language is quality time.

I did not realize how much reading this book together meant to him.  I thought (forgetting that he asked me not to) that he wouldn't mind if I read a couple chapters.
It means a LOT to him, and he minded quite a bit.

Looong story short, we're all good now, I'm forgiven, I understand where I went wrong, everything is okay.

But I have some work to do.  Because my blunder led me to discover several very important things that I've been blind to all summer.

1) Neither my husband, nor I, have been content with the routine we've gotten into this summer:  Joshua comes home from work, he relaxes with some TV or computer time, I make supper, we eat, we watch a movie or both do things on the computer, we go to bed.
I realized why neither of us has been content with this routine.  Very little of it is about us being together.  Neither of us has liked this...but both of us assumed, wrongly, that the other one was content and/or not interested in doing anything together.  We both messed up on this...but now that we've realized it, we can work to right it.

2) I cannot assume things about my husband; I need to talk to him if I can't figure things out on my own.  (Because we all know what it means to assume...the person who pointed that out to me shall remain nameless.)

3) Sometimes the solution is staring me in the face, and is a lot simpler than I realize.
Togetherness.  That's all my husband wanted.  He doesn't want me to think up elaborate ideas for date nights.  He doesn't need me to write a list of twenty-five things we can do together.  He just wants me.  He wants my attention, my time, and my presence.

4) The things I think my husband wants and needs are not necessarily the things he really does want and need.
I figured that if I kept the house in order, fed him a nice supper, let him do his thing on the computer and TV, watched a movie with him, and had sex before we went to bed, that my husband would be happy.
Eating, rest, alone time and sex are all necessary...but they don't replace actually being together and giving my husband my full attention and self.  It doesn't work if I'm constantly thinking of other things I need to/should be doing, or if I spend the entire evening in the kitchen after he gets home.  He wants ME.  That's it.

5) This problem is fairly easy to fix if I a) get DONE with housework before Joshua gets home each day, b) keep chore-doing to a minimum in the evenings when he is home and c) be intentional and put time together in our schedule.  As soon as this post is written I'm going to write, in ink, on the calendar, "DATE NIGHT" at least every three weeks.  And nothing, absolutely nothing, will mess with those nights.

6) I realized last night how much I really mean to my husband.  That was huge.  It's good to know how much he appreciates the meals I make or that I keep the house in order...but knowing he just wants me??  That made me feel so treasured and loved.  And it made me resolve to make HIM feel the same way, by focusing more on him.

It's horrible when it takes a bad thing to wake me up to more bad things I've been doing...but the result of all this is that I think things in our marriage are really going to change for the better.  I can't believe how blind and stupid I've been all summer....but THANK GOD for the forgiveness which he has given me and which he has enabled my husband to give me.

Once again, it's Romans 8:28 in action.  God uses ALL things, even our silly, selfish sins, to work for our good.  I'm praying that he will enable me to be a much more selfless, loving, and attentive wife, and that our marriage will continue to grow, mature, and become more joy-filled every day.

And I'm sorry for being such a hypocrite!


Linking up today...
Cornerstone Confessions; Far Above Rubies; Growing Home; Thankful Homemaker; Time-Warp Wife; Lessons from Ivy

the lies Satan tells {and then there's the Truth}

You can never get anything right.


You will never be good enough.


You are a failure...as a wife, a homemaker, a daughter, a sister, a friend.


You are miserable.  You are pathetic.  You are weak.


You don't deserve any good thing.  You don't deserve to be loved.


These are the lies Satan tells me.
These are the words that sometimes fill my head.
This is how Satan gets past the truth.
This is how he twists reality.

Yes, I am a sinner...
but I am also a child of God, saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.


No, I will never be good enough--on my own--
but that's why Jesus was good enough--PERFECT--in my place.
So that I wouldn't have to be.


No, I can't do everything right--by myself--
but that's why the Holy Spirit lives in my heart.
So He can help me live a life that honors God.


Yes, I will mess up.  A lot.
But I am forgiven because of Jesus Christ, who lived, died, and rose again
so that I could have eternal life.


No one is perfect.  No one can, on their own power, live a life that pleases God.
That's why we need Jesus.
That's why God sent Jesus, his only Son, into our sinful world--
to save us from Satan, from sin, from death, and from our own sinful natures.
Now, because of Christ, we are new creations.  We are pure, holy, redeemed.
And we have the promise of eternal life.


Jesus said to the people who did not believe in him,

"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire.  He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lied, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."  -John 8:44

Jesus said to those who did believe in him,

"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  -John 8:31-32

Later, Jesus said to his disciples,

"I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me." -John 14:6

Satan is the father of lies.  Jesus is the Truth.

Who shall I believe?
Who will you believe? 

 (Growing up, I had an old portable tape player on which I listened to cassette tapes--I'm just old enough to have not heard of CD's when I was really little.  My favorite tape was an old "Best of Amy Grant," and this was my favorite song on it.  That tape is so worn-out now that it hardly plays properly--but the song is as great now as it was then.  Also of note is the pianist in this video.  Do you recognize him?  It's a very young Michael W. Smith!)

Successful, failure--or both?

In one of my classes yesterday we discussed success and failure: how we defined them, and how we reacted to them.
I said that success is learning from an experience even if it doesn't go the way I want it to.  When I am successful, I tend to pat myself on the back too much.  My response should be to glorify God in every success.
I define failure as not living up to my own (usually very high) expectations.  When I fail, I put myself down, taking failure very personally.  I look at myself as a failure instead of whatever I was trying to do.

I often feel like a failure when the kitchen is a complete mess for more than a few hours at a time.  When the bathroom is a disaster.  When laundry needs to get put away.  When the living room needs to be de-cluttered and cleaned.  Like tonight, basically.

Sometimes I feel like a failure when I don't get the grade I would have liked on a test, even though I know I didn't study as much as I could have (like yesterday).

When Joshua tries to do something for me, and I don't want him to, for money or time or whatever reason, I feel like a failure for not letting him show how he loves me because of my own selfishness.

These are just a few examples.  When a lot of these "failures" happen at the same time, I tend to get very frustrated with myself, feeling like I can't do anything right.

In a way, it's right for me to feel like that.  If the reason things aren't going the way I want is because I'm slacking on something (spending too much time writing blog posts instead of doing dishes, for example), then I am justified in being frustrated with myself.  There are things I could do better.

However, there are days when I've been too busy spending time with my husband to study for a test as much as I would like.  There are other days when I have a lot of homework to do that prevents me from doing housework.  I do fail sometimes, yes.  But what is important to remember is that
I am not a failure.

My problem is that I take things too personally.  Failing at something does not automatically make me a failure.

And let's look at my definitions of failure and success again.  When I fail, it means I haven't lived up to my own expectations.  But what if my expectations were unrealistic?  What if God had things in mind for me that weren't on my to-do list for the day?
My definition of success is learning from experiences even when they don't go my way.  In that case, every failure is a success because I can always learn something from a failure.

A "C" instead of an "A" on a test?  I need to start studying sooner next time.
Dishes piling up till they're overwhelming?  I need to shut down the computer half an hour sooner every night and get some housework done.
Living room constantly cluttered?  I need to put stuff away as I use it, not let things pile up.

I realize I'm being very law-focused here.  In this context, I'm okay with that.  But what I want to stress--to you and myself--is that not always doing everything perfectly does NOT make you a failure.

And, more importantly, God works through, despite, and in your failures.  His purposes are accomplished no matter what.  Sometimes--most of the time--God uses our failures for his purposes, to bless us and to bless others.

God doesn't define us by our failures.  He looks at us like he looks at his Son Jesus: Holy, pure, sinless.  We are forgiven of every failure, of every sin, of every shortcoming.

Don't let your failures own you.  See them as God's successes.  Remember that he doesn't define you by your failures, and he loves you unconditionally.








    And Picture Me {Im}Perfectly