Those times I just need to cry.

I am female.
I am emotional.
Sometimes, I am very hormonal.
Often I am stressed.
Sometimes I am worried.
Rarely I am angry.
Regularly I am happy.
Sometimes I am tired.
Other times, I have no explanation for how I am feeling, but in all these times...
I cry.

Call me crybaby, call me a wimp, call me a little girl who hasn't grown up yet, but I have discovered the universal, all-purpose expression of emotion and a never-fail stress reliever: tears.
I have heard that some chemical is released in tears that relieves stress in a cool biological way.  God's awesome like that.  But whatever it is, when I cry, I feel better.

Today was one of those stressed-humbled-relieved-frustrated-tired-confused-thankful sort of days when I cried three separate times.
(and no, it is not that time of the month)

Do I feel better?  You bet.  Have I heard God's message loud and clear ("TRUST ME.")?  Yes.  Have I felt the squeeze of my husband's hand and his reassuring words, "It will be okay"?  More than once.

Am I going to bed NOW so the tiredness isn't a factor?
As soon as I click "Publish Post."

And have I gained fresh perspective on life today, that despite what seem to be life-interrupting frustrations (but really aren't that bad), I have so much to be thankful for and am so well-off compared to millions of other people?
Yes, thanks to Pastors Matthias and Bruick, and most especially thanks to my heavenly Father who understands when I need to cry.

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Ten years ago, it seemed like the world was ending.
For a lot of people, over three thousand, it did.  Their time on this earth ended.
Their families and friends probably felt like the world was ending for them, too.  But they had to live through their pain and grief.  Ten years later, I'm sure they're still living through it.

It's at times like that when the whole world cries out, "WHY?!?"


Why does an all-loving God allow evil things to happen?  If God is supposed to be good, where was he when those planes crashed into the World Trade Center?  If those things happened, does he even exist at all?

I'm one of those people who firmly believes in the existence of an all-loving, all-good God.  Sometimes I wonder, too, why he lets things happen.

Why he lets young fathers and mothers, husbands and wives, die, before it seems they've lived their lives fully.  Why so many babies get aborted, gypped out of a life they should have lived.  Why wars happen.  Why diseases take the lives of hundreds, thousands.  Why tyrants control innocent people.  Why people starve and go without clothes or homes or money.

I even wonder why he lets annoying little things happen to me.  Why do I get sick?  Why do I sometimes not have money for the things I want and think I need?  Why do things go wrong?

Enough questions.  I have an answer:

I don't know.


I don't always know why bad things happen.  I do know what causes them: SIN.  God has reasons for allowing them that my human reason cannot understand.  When I don't know why, I DO know that God DOES.  He is all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-powerful.  Nothing happens to me or anyone else without God knowing about it.

I can't understand why sometimes, but what I do understand is that God loves me more than I can imagine.  I know that I have a finite mind, that I can't see or understand the future.  I know that he's God, and I'm not, and I'm happy and content with that.

God has my life in his hands.  He has your life in his hands.  He does, in fact, have the whole world in his hands.  And considering how big, gentle, loving, and caring God is...I can't think of any place for my life to be.  No matter what happens.  And when this world ends for good, I know where I'll be...in God's arms.

Philosophical Musings (sort of)

Actually, these aren't really philosophical musings, although they originated in philosophy class today.  My professor was quick to point out that what he said in answer to one of my questions was theology, not philosophy.

We're discussing some of the key philosophers and their teachings and ideas.  Different schools of philosophy have different ways of explaining reality.  The disciplines of theology and philosophy are two very different things, but according to my professor they overlap in that they both seek answers to the questions
"Who am I?"
"Why am I here?"
"Where am I going?"

We were talking today about Descartes, whose philosophies started with the idea that things are only knowable by reason.  I won't get into it much here, mostly because I only understand a little.  But I asked my professor how he defines reality, how he knows that he is real, how he is aware of himself.  He replied,
"As soon as I start thinking of me, I stop looking at God and listening to God, who He says I am."  Summing up his further comments:
All that matters is that God says I am His.  He spoke through acts in history (my birth, my baptism, my marriage, etc) to tell me who I am, why I'm here, and where I'm going.  In every aspect of my life, I see God at work, speaking to me.

I had never really thought of it that way before.  The only definition of reality that matters is God's.  And it doesn't even really matter if we figure out how God defines reality or not.  All that matters is that God calls us his own, and he reveals himself and his will to us in many ways throughout our lives.

When that's what really matters. . . nothing else really matters, does it? :)

Why I NEED To Write

It's been a couple of days; I know posting has been sporadic this week.  Why?  One word: COLLEGE.  Between being gone most of each day for classes and work, having home work and work at home (read: dishes and cleaning), and then being exhausted at the end of each day, I literally haven't found time for posting.

However, it is time to start finding time.  Because I need to write.  In my fiction-writing class this morning, I realized why: I'm a writer, and therefore, writing is necessary.  It is also imperative that I write because I need to get better at it, to keep a record of where I've been and where I'm going, and to discover what the Author of my life had in mind when He wrote my story.  I know the ending already...but where is this going, God?  What do You have to teach me?

Writing is my outlet.  It's a way to make some sense of my crazy life and my mixed-up, feminine brain.  It's a way to process what I'm learning, which is a lot, all the time.  It's a way to ask myself questions, and then answer them later.  For example:

Why is it so hard for me to write natural-sounding dialogue?  (Note to self: start eavesdropping more.  Hear and remember how people talk.)

Why do I almost always write romantic stories?  (Must write something more interesting and realistic.  About the young woman looking for love who doesn't find it.  GAH!  Still romantic!  No romantic love involved, at all.)

Will I be able to make sense of philosophy?  Isn't God the answer to every question of life?  Shouldn't it be that easy? (I know it won't be...)

Will I get a poem into the student poetry magazine this year?  (Again.  PRACTICE.)

Am I going to have time to get bread made this week?  To get laundry done?  (That just HAS to happen, no matter what...)

How do I love my husband more, and fully, and to the best of my abilities? (God grant me grace!)

This, then, is why I need to write: to figure out for myself the answers (God's answers?) to all my questions.  And hopefully, to answer someone else's questions in the process.