My Husband's Helper

In the first few days that this world existed, God looked at Adam, the human he had created, and said, "It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18).

God had created many animals.  He brought them to Adam so that Adam could name them, and see if one of them would be a helper for him.  "But for Adam no suitable helper was found."

So God created the woman.


This was the helper suitable for the man.  This was the person with whom he would become "one flesh."  This was his perfect partner!

I'm smiling as I write this.  Because I know how twisted this truth has been.  "Women weren't created for men," some have said.  "We aren't supposed to take care of them.  They can take care of themselves!  Women should be able to do whatever they want, take care of their own lives, and not have to worry about men."

I beg to differ.

God created women to be the helpers of men.


This doesn't mean women are of any less importance than man!  On the contrary, Paul's words to the Galatians, inspired by the Holy Spirit, say this: "You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:26-28).

God created all human beings to be of equal worth in his sight.  We are all equally sinful and we are all equally saved and forgiven, and we are all equally loved by our Creator.

But we were created with different roles.


Men were created to take care of women, and women were created to be the helpers of men.
That doesn't make us weaker, although physically, most of us are.  But spiritually, emotionally, mentally, women are not weaker, they are just different!  Imagine how boring the world would be if women acted like men in everything, or vice-versa.

My role as a woman, as a wife, is to be my husband's helper.  The writer of Proverbs 31 said this about the "wife of noble character":

"A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."  -Proverbs 31:10-12

In what ways can I be my husband's helper, bringing him good, and not harm?

Surprisingly, it's not in ways I would expect.
Men consider help to be a different thing than women do.

For example, I thought it would be helpful if I placed mail, including bills, on my husband's desk so he would see them the first thing when he came home.  That way we would both know what was going on, we'd be on the same page, and there wouldn't be any confusion.
Well, my husband was already aware of the bills.  He didn't need that reminder when he came home from work tired and worn-out.  He knew what needed to be taken care of, but an unpleasant reminder like that was not helpful.
Some women might consider it helpful to rearrange their husband's dresser drawer, but their husband may well be frustrated to open his drawer and not know where everything is right away.
So what can I do to help my husband?  Here are a few things I've been learning:

1) Talk to him.  I'm no mind-reader, and although I can sometimes guess at what might be helpful for my husband, I've messed up enough times to know that my guesses aren't always correct.  So I ask my husband what he would like me to do, and in what ways I can be a helper for him.  This has included things like: let him sit quietly for a few minutes right when he comes home instead of bombarding him with talk right away; get his attention before telling him something important, especially if he's distracted; keep up with the laundry so he always has clean clothes to wear.

2) Listen to him.  This is almost more important than talking to him!  My husband has given me verbal hints in the past as to ways I could help him, and I wasn't paying attention so I missed them.  Men communicate in different ways than women do.  I need to be careful to pay closer attention when he talks so I can fully comprehend what he means, because I might not understand it in the way he wants me to.

3) Learn about him.  What are my husband's habits?  Does he need coffee before anything else in the morning?  Does he want to check his email as soon as he comes home?  Does he want a fresh towel in the bathroom every day?  Does he have a favorite food he would like to have once a week?  If I know what he usually does, I can predict ways that I can be helpful to him.
If he checks his email when he comes home every day, I can leave a love note on his computer to let him know I'm thinking of him--without getting in his face or talking to him too much.
If he's hungry when he comes home from work, I can have a snack out on the table already so he doesn't go digging in the fridge and eating tomorrow's supper.  (That's helpful for me, too!)
If he's running low on clean socks, I can do laundry today so he has clean clothes for tomorrow.

The ways a woman can be a helper to her man are as different as men are.  Talk to your husband.  Listen to him, and learn about him, so you can discover ways you can be his helper.

God created us women to have this role.  He will give us the strength, wisdom, and resources necessary to fill it to his glory and our husband's benefit.

What ways can you be a helper to your husband?  Share them in the comments!

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Also linking up:  Raising Homemakers; A Wise Woman Builds Her Home; Deep Roots at Home; To Love, Honor and Vacuum; Women Living Well

Marriage Compromises

A big thank-you to my newest followers...46 total as of today!  That's something I did not expect when I started writing.  You are all a blessing.




This post should start with a definition of what I do NOT mean by marriage compromises.
I do not mean that anyone should compromise in their standards for a spouse, future or current.
For me, that means that when I was single, my standards included that my husband would have to be a Christian--and Lutheran--that he would have to be willing to be the primary breadwinner, that he would take on the responsibility as the leader of our home, especially spiritually, and that he would love Jesus more than anything (including me)--among a few other, less significant things.  I do not recommend compromising on anything that important.
In our marriage now, I do not compromise on things such as...
We need to always treat each other with love and respect.
God has to come first.  Period.
Joshua (generally) has the final say in decision-making.  (For more on that, see a recent post on submission in marriage.)

Those are the non-negotiable items.
In many cases, we have different opinions and want things done in different ways.  Like I said, I generally let Joshua decide...but I also have needs and wants, too!  As a loving husband he often lets me have things my way--or, at the very least, we show love and respect to one another by making a compromise.
A few examples (some theoretical, some actual):
Say I have baked chicken planned for lunch today, sandwiches and tomato soup for supper, and chicken soup for lunch tomorrow.  The soup will use the leftover meat from the baked chicken, and the broth that I'll make by slow-cooking the chicken bones.  That's what's going through my mind.  Joshua requests his favorite chicken-and-rice casserole for lunch today before he leaves for work.  Well, that doesn't really fit into my meal plan...and I don't like it when my meal plan gets messed up.  However, I CAN use some of the chicken meat for the casserole...and I'll still probably have enough for soup.  I can go ahead with my plan to make the baked chicken today and the broth overnight.  Joshua can wait till tomorrow for the casserole, and I can freeze broth and chicken meat to make the soup another day.  He gets his favorite dish, just a day later than requested, and my meal plan is neatly rearranged.  We're both happy.
Here's a real-life example:
I was raised with the understanding that everybody goes to church every Sunday unless you're running a high fever or throwing up.  Period, no excuses.  Missing church was always the worst thing about being sick.  Joshua was raised with parents that were more flexible: if, on rare occasion, Joshua or one of his brothers was tired or preferred to worship at home with an online sermon and a Bible, his parents would allow it every now and then.  For quite a few months Joshua has tried to request the same thing from me, and I did not respond well.  It caused some arguments.  Finally, we recently made a compromise: once every three months Joshua can choose to stay home from church, without sickness as an excuse, and I'll stay with him.  I can handle four Sundays a year of worshiping at home, and he knows that he has that option every now and then.
(He "cashed in" on his first free Sunday yesterday.  It was actually really nice...we listened to a fantastic sermon at home, prayed together, and had a very relaxing day.)

These are examples of less-important things (the meal-plan-rearrange) and things that are more important to us (the church-going, or not).  When it came to deciding about whether or not it's important to go to church every single Sunday, both of us had opinions that we'd had for our whole lives, resulting in different choices our parents made in raising us.  Neither way was necessarily right or wrong...just different.  But we learned to meld our different opinions in a way that both of us could feel good about.

I can guarantee that at various times in our marriage, we will discover things we disagree about.  Depending on the circumstances, I may submit to Joshua's leadership and let him decide how to do things.  That would take all responsibility off me.  Or, if it would make us both happier, I may request a compromise.

Every couple is made up of two very different people, raised in different ways, holding different opinions about things, and sometimes they will disagree.  When it's necessary, a compromise is often the solution to avoiding arguments and unhappiness from both sides.  A compromise may not completely satisfy both the husband and wife, but marriage is all about give-and-take.  Each person gives 100%.

When a husband and wife are both completely selfless, marriage works perfectly.  No person can every be completely selfless, of course, which is why no marriage is absolutely perfect.  But when we seek to imitate Christ in everything, the husband will love his wife the way Christ loved the church, giving Himself up for her, and the wife will submit to and respect her husband the way the church submits to Christ.  Each gives themselves up for the other.  Each looks primarily to the other's needs.  That's something that is not to be compromised in marriage, but when it leads to good, wholesome compromises, it builds up the marriage and strengthens the couple's relationship.

So, when faced with disagreements, should a couple compromise?  Not always, but when they do, it can be a blessing to them both.

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A Wise Woman Submits to Her Husband

Disclaimer: As with everything I write, I do not claim to be an expert or have all the answers.  Many women have much more knowledge and experience than I.  I realize the topic of submission can be a touchy one for some people.  I am simply sharing what I have learned from experience and God's Word, in the hope that it may be of help and encouragement to someone else.

The topic of submission, like the topic of wives and mothers who stay at home, can be a sensitive one.  I believe that's another result of "women's liberation" and the feminist movement.  For quite a few decades now, women have insisted on equality with men in every aspect of life.  They don't want to have to answer to men in anything.  I realize this attitude is not present in all women, but I think I can safely say that it is a theme in Western culture.

As a Christian, I know and have been taught that from the very beginning of time, God created women to be under the authority of men.  God made Eve to be a helper for her husband Adam (Genesis 2:18).  After God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man" (Genesis 2:23).  Throughout the Bible, women who respect and submit to their husbands are praised.  Proverbs 31:12 praises the woman who brings her husband "good, not harm, all the days of her life."  The New Testament is full of instructions for wives to be submissive to their husbands.

Today I want to discuss three things:  why a wise woman submits to her husband; how she does it; and what results from it.

There are three main reasons that I have found why a wise woman submits to her husband.
1)  Out of obedience to God.  A Christian woman desires first and foremost to live a life in obedience and service to God.  As I have mentioned and will continue to make clear, the Scriptures contain many instructions to women to submit to their husbands.  As Christian women, we should require no other reason to do so.  James wrote, "Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he will come near to you... Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up" (James 4:7, 10).  Paul wrote to the Colossians, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18).  And to the Ephesians he wrote, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:21-22).

2) To build up her husband and encourage him in his role as leader.  As a wife's role is to be in submission to her husband, his role is to be the leader and caretaker of his family.  A woman who refuses to submit to her husband usurps his position, thus rendering him unnecessary, and making him feel less of a man and less needed.  This is the exact opposite of what wives should do for their husbands.  When they do submit, they encourage their husband to fill his God-given role, and build him up in his manhood at the same time.

3) It takes pressure and responsibility off the wife.  A submissive wife is "let off the hook" when it comes to making big--and sometimes even small--decisions in her family.  Certainly no husband should disregard his wife's opinion; he should always consider her wisdom and listen to her advice.  However, when a wife submits to her husband's judgement she is letting him take the praise for a good decision and the blame for a bad one.  As the head of the household it is his responsibility to take on most decision-making.

How does a wise woman submit?
1) By God's grace.  Submission is not something that comes naturally.  Because of our sinful nature we have the tendency to do the easy thing: disrespect our husbands, disobey God, and refuse to submit.  Isn't it always easiest to insist on having our own way?  Submission is not something we followers of Christ can do on our own.  It is a relief to know that we can, but only with God's help.  He promises to help us do so because submitting to our husbands IS submitting to God, and therefore honoring and glorifying to him.

2) An act of will.  Submission takes work.  I often have to bite my tongue, count to five, or stop myself from speaking in order to avoid talking back to my husband, contradicting him, or questioning his judgement.  Being submissive takes practice; it's not a habit one can develop overnight.

3) Not a display of weakness.  Submissive wives are often derided as being weak.  This is absolutely not true!  As stated above, submission is not the easy thing for a wife to do.  On the contrary: when a wife submits to and respects her husband, she is displaying a great love for and trust in him, a strength of will and character, and most importantly a strong trust in God.

What results when a wise woman submits?
1) She becomes more Christ-like.  We submit to our husbands, and to Christ, as Christ submitted to his father.  The goal of every Christian's life should be to become more like Christ every day.  Submission teaches us selflessness, obedience, kindness, respect, and myriad other qualities that define who Jesus is.  In submitting, we mimic Christ.

2) She gains greater trust in God.  This, I believe, is one of the greatest benefits to being submissive.  Trust in God doesn't come naturally any more than submission to one's husband does, but when a woman trusts her husband she is literally trusting God, because he has placed her husband in his position of authority.  When a woman surrenders to her husband, she is telling both him and God, "I trust you to take care of me."

3) The marriage is strengthened.  Everything always works best when it's done God's way, and this is especially true of marriage.  When both the husband and wife fill and fulfill their God-given roles, each is being obedient to God and their relationship will be blessed as a result.  When a wife submits she is encouraging her husband's manliness and her own womanliness, and her respectfulness of her husband will encourage his loving attitude toward her.

4) The wife is a witness to the world of the Gospel.  Titus 2:3-5 says, "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." (Emphasis mine.)  When a woman is submissive and subject to her husband, she honors God and God's word, and her obedience is a witness to others.

In his first epistle, Peter discusses this topic at some length.  In chapter 3, he writes, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives" (3:1-2).  A submissive wife is such a witness to the Gospel that Peter says she could win her husband over to faith in Christ simply by the way she lives her life!  Peter continues a few verses later, "For this is the way the women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.  They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master.  You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear" (1 Peter 3:5-6).  Notice what Peter said?  It was the women who put their hope in God who were submissive to their husbands.  They trusted God first and foremost, and that enabled them to trust their husbands.


I know submission isn't always an easy thing to do.  But always remember, dear sisters in the Lord, that we do it to obey God, we do it with his help, and we do it to witness his Gospel.

A Change in Perspective

I just started reading a book that a friend gave me for a wedding gift, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  The flap of the dust cover reads, "What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy...but holy? What if your relationship isn't as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?"

This really got me thinking (that and the first three chapters I've read so far).  From the world's point of view, life is about being happy, being satisfied, being successful, and being instantly gratified.  People should do everything they can to accomplish those things for themselves, says the world.

I said the other day that one of the most important things about marriage is being selfless--putting the needs and desires of one's spouse before one's own, making the other person's happiness your goal.

But now I don't think it's either of these, and I think I knew that all along; I just needed a wake-up call which this book provided.  Marriage isn't about making myself happy.  It's not even about making my spouse happy.  It's about making God happy.

Let me say that again: the primary goal of marriage should be to give God honor, glory, and praise.  The primary benefit of marriage isn't children, companionship or comfort (although those are wonderful benefits of marriage!).  It's a closer relationship with God; a deeper understanding of how God loves us and how he desires our relationship with him to be.

God designed marriage to point us toward HIM.  It's a matter of focus.  What are we focused on?  Ourselves?  Our spouse?  Or God?  Are we looking at our marriage like we should everything else, with an eternal mindset?

I've written about this before: how looking at life with an eternal perspective changes everything.  If we are considering that our final destination is heaven, the only person whose opinion we should care about is God's, and our primary goal in life is to serve, honor, glorify and obey him--then everything else in life takes on a different meaning and purpose.  If we view marriage as something designed by God to draw us closer into relationship with and understanding of him, and view it as another aspect of life in which our primary goal should be to serve God, then EVERYTHING else will fall into place.

Think about it.  If I'm seeking to serve, honor, glorify and obey God in my marriage, then I will be doing the following things in accordance with God's will:

Loving my husband as I love myself and as God loves both of us.
Submitting to him as the Church submits to Christ.
Forgiving him as Christ has forgiven me.
Staying faithful to him as God is constantly faithful to those who believe in him.
Honoring him and lifting him up, not breaking him down.
Treating him with kindness and patience, the way God treats me.

These are just a few of the things that will result from my seeking to honor and serve God first and foremost.  Honoring, serving and loving my husband follows naturally.

Through marriage I will also grow closer to God.  Marriage is teaching me:
Trust.  Not in myself, not in my husband, but in God to take care of both of us.
The blessing of prayer: individually and together, my husband and I daily visit with the Lord.
The blessing of daily Bible reading: my husband has (again) initiated devotions for the two of us, which encourages me to do devotions on my own.
The limitless love God has for me.  My husband is only human, and even his love is more than I can fathom.  Imagine how great God's love is for me--for us!!
The unity of Christ and the church, of the Trinity, as reflected in the unity of a husband and wife.
The selflessness of Christ in giving himself up for us, as I strive to give myself up for my husband every day.
The humility of Christ as he submitted himself to his Father, as I seek to be humble and submit to my husband.

Again, these are just a few things, and this post is getting long!  I was just awed and inspired by this new-found perspective that God has given me.  I'd highly recommend the book (I can't wait to finish it!).

May He

I was reading 1 Peter chapter 3, where Peter instructs wives to be submissive to their husbands as Christ set them an example by being submissive to his Father. Peter encourages women to let their beauty not come from outward appearances, but "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4). In meditating on this chapter (3:1-7), I wrote another poem- it's still National Poetry Month, after all!

May He


May He make me
beautiful, not on the outside,
but from within:
the beauty of gentleness and quietness of spirit,
beauty that will not fade.

May He make me
reverent toward him
and through that reverence, may he grant
that I live a pure and holy life.

May He make me
strong enough to submit,
wise enough to let my husband lead,
humble enough to serve with my whole heart.

May He make me
fearless, trusting my husband,
and above all,
trusting Him who holds my life in his hands:
He Who made me.