Intentionally strengthening friendships

A friend loves at all times... (Proverbs 17:17)

Yesterday I talked about connecting with your spouse, and being intentional about it.  Today I've been pondering what that would look like with my friendships.

Many of my friends live too far away to see regularly.  But I try to make it a habit to call them, or at least send a quick email or Facebook message, once every couple weeks or so--just to let them know I'm thinking about them.

Even more meaningful would be a handwritten note dropped in the mail.  A few cents for a stamp is worth it to brighten a friend's day.  I know how much I love getting mail (that's not a bill)!

Those friends who live nearby I try to at least chat with once a week or so.  Sometimes it's hard with busy schedules to coordinate a get-together, but it's important to make those visits work on a semi-regular basis.  Maybe if your evenings are full, you could meet a friend for breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  Busy weekdays?  Invite another couple over for brunch after church.

This summer I not only want to intentionally nurture my relationship with my husband, but I want to be intentional about strengthening my friendships as well.

What are some ways you connect with friends, near or far?  What is your favorite way to keep in touch?

Nagging is Never the Answer

As a wife, I am learning how to relate to my husband and how to communicate to him.  That includes how to ask him to do things for me.  There are several good and bad ways to do this, but one very bad way is to nag.

What is nagging?  Asking or saying the same thing repeatedly, often in an irritating manner, to attempt to accomplish a desired result.  That's not Webster, that's me.  Literally.  I have a rather bad habit of nagging, myself.

Proverbs 21:19 (NIV) says this:
"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife."

Ouch.  If my poor husband would be better off in a desert than living with a wife who nags him and is unpleasant to live with, then I have got to figure out a better tactic to ask him things!  And this means I need to learn the way he thinks.

Men think in "boxes."  They focus on one task or subject at a time, and do that one thing very well.  But they need to really switch gears mentally to start talking about a different topic or doing a different task.  When my husband is doing homework, playing a video game, or watching a TV show, I can't just walk into the room, start talking, and expect him to hear anything I say.  He probably won't, and it won't be his fault.  Here's what I need to do (and you too, because your husband is male and this is how they work):

Get his attention.  Say something like, "Honey, can I talk to you for a couple minutes?  I have something to ask you."
Wait.  Generally I have something I want to tell him right-this-instant, so I have to wait, literally, a minute or two for him to pause the movie or the game or stop thinking about the paper he's writing.
Simplify.  He doesn't need all the details.  If I want him to go to the store to get milk, I don't have to say that I'm in the middle of making supper and just realized that I'm out of milk and I really need it for the meal I'm making but I'm in the middle of working on another dish and I can't just leave it so will he please go to the store and get milk for me?
That will NOT work.  All I need to say is, "Sweetheart, will you please go to the store for me and get milk?  I need it to make supper."  That's it.
Make sure you communicated clearly.  Sometimes it works to have him tell you what you just told him, but don't treat him like a child.  Do make sure you get a response beyond "mm-hm" so you know he was listening and knows what you asked.
Expect the best of him.  Do not expect him to forget right away what you told him.  Men are smart.  And they are usually far smarter than we give them credit.  If he doesn't leave for the store in the next fifteen minutes, I might say something like, "Honey, I need the milk soon.  Could you please go get it now?"
Treat him with respect.  Don't snap.  Don't whine.  Do NOT order him around like a child.  You're his wife, not his mother, not his three-year-old daughter.  Treat him the way you want to be treated: with manners (please and thank you!), with kindness, with love and with respect.
Don't expect him to always do every little thing you ask him.  You CAN dry the dishes yourself.  You CAN run down to the basement to grab a jar of peanut butter off the shelf.  You CAN carry the towels back upstairs yourself.  Don't expect your man to always be at your beck and call.  When he says, "Hon, not right now, I'm in the middle of a project," or if he JUST sat down to his video game or movie after a long day, it's okay if he tells you no.  Be a big girl, don't take it personally (he doesn't mean it personally!), and do it yourself.  And next time he does do what you ask, thank him with a hug and a kiss.  He will be more likely to help you out next time (trust me.  This works!). :)


Linking with To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage, Graced Simplicity

Home as a Haven

Tuesdays are Titus 2 Tuesdays at Living in the Light. If you're a new visitor (especially if you're visiting from the Challenge)--welcome!!  I'm so happy you're here.  Check out my "About Me" page HERE, some of my favorite posts on marriage HERE, and my two most popular posts HERE and HERE.

What kind of atmosphere pervades your home?  Is it one of constant busyness--always running from one thing to the next, always stressed, always short on time?  Is it one of anger--everyone always snapping at each other, cruel words flying, doors slamming?

Or is it one of peace--kind words of love and forgiveness the norm, organization keeping everyone on track, time set aside each day to slow down and be together?

As the "lady of the house," setting an atmosphere of peace is primarily my job.  That doesn't mean it's entirely my job, or entirely any wife and mother's job.  Husbands, daughters, and sons all contribute to making home a haven--a place where people feel safe, comfortable, welcome, calm, and peaceful.

There are several ways that home becomes a place like this.  First, it helps if a home is clean, tidy, nicely organized, and tastefully decorated.  These are tasks that generally fall primarily to the wife and mother--but cleaning and organizing are jobs the whole family can help with!

Second, home is a haven when friends and relatives are made to feel welcome and comfortable.  What kind of guest accommodations does your home have?  Are you comfortable with having people over for meals or longer visits?  Do you stress and worry when you have to prepare a meal for more than just your family?  Practice hospitality--be kind and generous to those who enter your home.  And that includes your family!  Is your home a place where you, your husband and children, look forward to returning each day?

Third--and perhaps most importantly--a home is a haven when it is indwelt by the Holy Spirit.  Do you make your home a place where the Gospel is predominant?  Does everyone who comes into your house feel the presence of the Holy Spirit?  Fill your home with prayer, worshipful music, good books, the regular reading of Scripture (individually and as a family), and ask the Lord to be present in your home.  Just as our bodies are living temples of the Holy Spirit because of God's gracious work in us, so we ask that our homes be places where he is present as well.

Jami at Young Wife's Guide talked about this very thing in a sweet and thoughtful post yesterday.  I highly recommend you read what she had to say!

Share with me in the comments--how do you make your home a haven, no matter what your role in the family?

When You Need a Little Help

This week is shaping up to be kind of crazy:
lots of homework due
helping with hair and makeup for a play this weekend
laundry to get done
spending time with my hubby (that's at the top of the priority list!!)

I got kind of overwhelmed yesterday, just at the thought of all I had to do.  Joshua looked at me and asked, "Do you need a hug?  It looks like you need a hug."  He just held me, and it helped so much.  Today he ordered a pizza so I didn't have to cook supper.  He's been wonderfully encouraging, even when I'm so stressed and tired.  I'm thankful that this isn't how life is all the time!

But I know it's not just me.  We all get tired, stressed, and burned out at times.  So what do we do at times like that?

Image Credit: FrameAngel via Freedigitalphotos.net

Take care of yourself.
What helps you relax?  What makes you feel good?  For me, it's a hot shower, a mug of tea, and plenty of sleep.  And lots of time with my husband. :)

Do you like to cook to relax?  Spend a couple hours reading a good book uninterrupted?  Get away with some friends with a couple hours?  Whatever it is that helps you refresh your body and spirit, if you're feeling stressed and burned out, make time to do those things that will lift your spirits and help you be physically prepared to do your best in everything.

Ask for help.
No one should expect you to always be able to take care of everything on your own!  Can you delegate some of your tasks at work to a coworker?  Readjust your schedule so you don't have so much on your plate in the immediate future?  Enlist your spouse and/or children for help at home?  You are not alone.

Take it to God in prayer.
This is the BEST thing you can do when you're stressed/exhausted/worried/whatever!  God is always there for you, and he loves you more than you can imagine. That's something I need to remind myself of a LOT.  Prayer is more powerful than I think we know, and the Holy Spirit promises to always be with us.  God gives us peace that surpasses all human understanding--don't ever forget that.

So if you're like me this week--if you're tired, stressed, busy, worn out-- make sure you're taking care of yourself, asking for help, and daily lifting up your life to the Lord.  He loves you so much.  Always remember that!

What is your best advice for de-stressing when life gets crazy?

What True Friendship Is

We all need friends.  I suppose there are those rare people who are content to live a completely solitary life, but I think it's safe to say that's not true for most people.

What does friendship--true friendship--look like?

Let's see what the Bible has to say.

Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times..."
Proverbs 18:24: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you..." -Jesus, John 15:12-16b

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to love one another...We love because he first loved us."  1 John 4:7-11, 19

Friendship is all about love--selfless love, agape love.  Real friendship, the kind Christ has shown us in choosing us, living for us, dying for us, is this kind of love.  We also show our friends the kind of love the Greeks called "Philia," a deep, friendly affection.

What does this mean?  How do we show this kind of friend-love?

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That's what love is.  That's what it does, and what it doesn't do.
This is how God loves us, and how he has taught us to love one another.

Friendship love isn't mushy love.  The word "love" tends to be associated with romance.  But friendship love isn't like that.  It's steadfast, trusting, and unchanging.  It's the kind of love between people that lets them say, "I'm going to stick with you no matter what, I'll always have your back, and when you're being an idiot, I'll let you know."

I should point out that there are different kinds of friends.  There are kindred spirits, or friends of the heart--friends with whom you seem to have everything in common, friends who share your heart on all the most important things, friends you will have for all your life.  These are the rarer kind of friends.  Only a few of them may come into your life, but only a few are really needed.  These are the people you will always be able to count on, and even if you don't see them in person for a long time, you'll never lose touch.

Then there are those friends who we talk to at school, work, and church, people who we'll happily visit with over coffee, but people to whom we don't tell all our secrets.  These are great people to have in your life, and they can be a great blessing.

As a woman, I know how women think.  We make lots of connections, we like having a network of people we know.  (I'm also an extrovert, so I can't speak for introverts here.  Please give me some input in the comments!)  I used to have the habit of trying to cultivate a large group of close friends.  It's only been recently that I realized the value of just a few close friends, and remaining friendly with other people I know.

Perhaps you don't have any very close friends.  Maybe there isn't someone in your life who you can open your heart to.  Even if you're married, there are emotional needs that women have that can't be met by even the dearest man in our lives.  Girl friends are necessary whether you're young or middle-aged, married or single.  If you struggle with making friends, my heart aches for you.  I will be praying for you, that the Lord will bring a person in your life to meet those friendship needs!

I can suggest to you that to gain friends, you can work on being the kind of friend you'd like to have.
-Be intentional about getting together with people you know.  Make that phone call.  Set up a coffee date.
-Keep in touch with people you value.  Send an email or even a text or Facebook message.  If writing notes is your thing, drop a card in the mail.
-Frequent places where you can find like-minded people.  Join a Bible study for people in your demographic (if you're a mom, find a moms' Bible study at your church), volunteer at a place you really support, help out at your kids' school.  Do you like to work out?  Find a Curves or a Zumba class in your area.  Do you like to knit?  See if there is a knitting group that meets at a church or community center near you.
-Pray about it!  Even Jesus needed friends--although his friends weren't the kind of people his criticizers thought he would choose.  Jesus hung out with tax collectors, prostitutes and beggars (but I'm not suggesting that's exactly what you should do!).  God sees the desires of your heart, and he will answer your prayers (although he might not do it in the way you expect).

The bottom line is this: Our greatest and truest Friend is Jesus Christ.  He might not be physically present in a way that you can see and touch and hear him, but God is present in your life.  The Holy Spirit is everywhere, and if you are a baptized child of God, the Holy Spirit lives in your heart--closer than any person can get.  He knows your joys and sorrows, he understands your questions and fears.  He is there to give you peace and comfort and still your anxieties.  Never forget this, dear one.

"What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear.

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

Oh, what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged--

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness--

take it to the Lord in prayer."

Text, Joseph M. Scriven

source

Linking up, with thanks, to: Time-Warp Wife, Growing Home, Fancy Little Things

Love in Word and Action

It has occurred to me recently that when I say "I love you" to my husband, it doesn't really convey all that I want it to mean.

Have you ever noticed this with your spouse and other loved ones?

Sometimes it means "I think you're fantastic for what you just did."  "I appreciate you a lot."  "I am so attracted to you."  "I am crazy about you."  "I have this inexpressible warm feeling in my heart that needs to be expressed some way, so this is what I'm saying."  Or maybe that last one is just me...

Anyway, sometimes I feel like "love" can be expressed better in actions than in words.  The English language just doesn't always cut it.  Of course, if I knew Greek, I would be very familiar with several other variations of the word, each with a very specific meaning denoting a relationship between two people.  The four main ones are, in my own words (thanks to Wikipedia for the reminder):

Agape:  A selfless love, the kind that God has for us, and that he expressed by sending his Son Jesus to live, die and rise for us.  This kind of love--the kind that gives up everything for someone else--is the love discussed in 1 Corinthians 13 and 1 John 3, among others.

Eros: Passionate, sexual love and attraction.  This kind of love is intended to only be expressed between a husband and wife.  When perverted, Eros turns into lust.

Philia: A loyal, friendly love, the kind of affection expressed between friends.

Storge: A natural affection, most specifically the love between parents and children.

In marriage, the three kinds of love that are most expressed are Agape, Eros and Philia.  These three in combination create the full, maturing, growing love that God designed marriage to have.

Marriage isn't just passion.  It isn't only friendship, although a marriage wouldn't be complete without those two beautiful elements.  The kind of love in a marriage is one that says, "I'm sticking with you for life, no matter what happens, and I'd do anything for you, even when you drive me bonkers. Nobody can ever get between you and me, and I'll feel the same way about you in fifty years as I do now."

So should I go through that litany with my husband every day?  Well, I could.  It would probably be a good thing.  But it's expressed in our actions (not perfectly but we do try).

Every day, I get up and make breakfast for my husband and me.
He gets up and gets ready to go to class and work, so that he can provide for our family.

I take care of cleaning the bathroom and doing other things around the house, whether I feel like it or not.
He takes care of doing the taxes, paying bills, taking care of the car, and other things, whether he likes doing it or not.

We are kind and considerate toward each other (almost always), and when we mess up with each other, we work through the problem and forgive each other, because we don't want a disagreement to build up and fester.

We have each other's backs, and support and defend one another.

We encourage each other, praise each other's good qualities, and point out (kindly) when the other is sinning or at fault.

These and many other things my husband and I do because we love each other.  Passion isn't necessarily part of what I listed, although it is that kind of love that helps drive our desire to serve each other.

We're best friends, partners, a team, and lovers.

Love is all of that.  And sometimes, I have found, that is best expressed in actions, especially when those actions are combined with words.


So tell me: How do you express love for your spouse and those around you?  What do you say?  What do you do?

Linking with Time-Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, To Love, Honor and Vacuum